oscars 2007

Well, another year and another Oscars telecast. As usual, the Oscars were far more boring than The Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, the Emmys...hell, even the Independent Spirit Awards which were on this weekend. I was pretty bummed because it was a lackluster telecast for two reasons. 1) The fashion was TERRIBLE. No one looked good. and 2) the host was not good. Not Good. I'm looking at you Ellen Degeneres.

Ellen wasn't funny and I just didn't think her quirky stuff worked. I missed having a big opening song and dance number (a la Billy Crystal), an amazingly hysterical pre-taped bit (a la Jon Stewart), or just plain damn funny monalogue (a la Steve Martin). She just did a stand up routine that wasn't funny at all. And I actually like Ellen so I gave her a fair shot. But, umm, no. Please don't invite her back.

Then there was the red carpet. Oh me, oh my. Almost every single person blew it. These people have perfect bodies and all the resources in the world for hair, make-up, and clothing, and they can't get it right. Amazing. Let's break it down.

Before I tear down the ladies, I must give props to the men. There were some hot men in attendance this year and I didn't mind looking at them.

THE MEN

Ryan Gosling is the love of my life and if you saw him accept his award at the Independent Spirit Awards you would understand why.

I find Clive Owen scrumptious and it's not just because of his accent.

I certainly can't explain it, but I think Robert Downey Jr has been looking okay lately. I think maturity (and sobriety) becomes him.

James McAvoy certainly doesn't look amazing but I do love him.

Daniel Craig...yummy.

And I love this two from Mexico - Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal. It's probably just because Diego was in Dirty Dancing 2.

But the standout male of the evening was probably Mark Wahlberg. Now, I'd like to note that out of everyone, I think Wahlberg's wife/girlfriend looked the best of all the females. Sure, she's a former model, but I thought her dress was awesome. So it's all downhill from here.

THE ORANGE

As usual people went overboard with the fake tan. This resulted in a very orange glow.

Leo was a prime suspect because he's never looked so orange (or so bloated). Sorry Leo.

I usually love Isla Fisher but I just could not get into this look. Besides looking orange, the bust was too low, and the satin didn't do her any favors. Bummer.

THE UGLY...and these people deserve it

Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce. This girl can not dress herself. Her dress had these huge stones/rocks on the top and it just looked ridiculous. Sadly, when she changed to perform on stage, I really enjoyed her dress but that doesn't make up for the 80s rocks.

Eddie Murphy is a tool and his "date" looked straight out of the 80s. The comment was made that Eddie would probably snort coke off of her dress mirrors later in the evening.

This girl is somewhat of a troll. Okay, that may be a little too harsh for Kirsten Dunst, but she really can not dress. I give her props for actually washing her hair and putting on makeup (a step up from most of her looks), but this dress is terrible.

Jada Pinkett Smith is always so predictable. You watch. She always wears a strapless straight dress that is a little tight and that makes her look man-ish. And she always, ALWAYS, chooses a crazy color.

I was not feeling Gwyneth Paltrow last night. She's let her hair grow WAY out and insists on wearing it to one side all the time. The color was slightly daring but I didn't like the cut. No go for me.

Then there was Jennifer Hudson. This was her night. She looked great at the Globes so I had high hopes. I mean, she's been planning this outfit for months. Then she comes out in this. There are so many things wrong with this ensemble. The gold bolero jacket is TERRIBLE. Her clenched fists in the pockets are terrible. And the side ponytail is terrible. Bad bad bad. With the jacket off as she accepted the award, she looked better. The color worked. But then imagine my surprise when I saw her in this backstage immediately after she won the award. What the hell? When did she have time to change? How much of a diva is she? And why change into an ugly gold dress that doesn't flatter your curves? I just don't understand.

Speaking of not understanding, can someone tell me what happened to Rose McGowan's face?

But the worst dressed of the night had to be Bond Girl Eva Green. I don't even know what to say. I don't know what's going on here. I mean, take a look at this closeup. Terrible make-up, terrible hair, and she appears to have wrapped tulle around some lace or stone detail. The topper is that she appears to be trying to look "sexy" or "dangerous" and failing miserably.

THE BAD...sadly, on good people

This is a long long category. That's because 90% of everyone I like chose to dress like crap. How hard is it to look in the mirror?

Let's start with Anne Hathaway. Sure, she does have somewhat of a spotty fashion record, but I had high hopes. Unfortunately, those hopes were beaten to death by a giant black bow. Ugh.

Her partner in crime Emily Blunt looked better but not great. I don't understand the sparkly fabric fad. The third Dreamgirl sported the same fabric and I didn't like it on her either.

For some reason, I tend to like Jessica Biel. She's sporty and seems fairly normal. But this dress didn't do her any favors. I suppose I admire the color risk. But not really. But the natural waist belt that has to go up to clear her rear end is not good. And her nipples are all over the place. Plus it looks like she got her hair permed and then pulled it back. I'm just not impressed.

Cate Blanchett is a pretty fashion forward gal. She takes risks and sometime she looks good and sometimes not. But I thought this was a) not risky and b) looked like crap. The color is so depressing which is sad because Cate looks great in color (remember the purple gown? or the yellow?). And the heavy metal fabric of the gown weighed her down. And don't even get me started on the one strap.

Elisabeth Shue - tragic.

Jennifer Lopez has been doing so well lately. She's looked hot and svelte and very put together. But here she drags out the bob hair that I hate and bedazzles the top of her gown. (And her undead husband doesn't help matters.)

Meryl, you crack me up.

Please, let's all say it together Rachel Weisz, satin flatters NO ONE'S body. Don't wear it. Besides, the dress is sort of lame and the necklace is too heavy.

I really like Penelope Cruz but the bodice was too much, the train was too much, and the hair was too severe. Not into it.

Amy Adams, you need some color honey.

I adore Natalie Portman but this didn't do anything for me.

Rashida Jones may be on one of my favorite shows The Office, but this dress is hideous. Just hideous. I hope Pam gets Jim. She clearly does not deserve him.

Victoria Beckham's starting to scare me.

The biggest disappoint of the night by far was my beloved Kate Winslet. Oh the tragedy. I love her so. This color washes her out, I hate the one strap, it's not that flattering, and her make-up and hair looks off. Maybe her brows are too dark? Sad, sad, sad.

THE MEDIOCRE
I can't even elevate them to good.

Maggie Gyllenhaal - I guess she just had a baby but that doesn't require a strap.

Celine Dion - Am I really saying this? God help me.

Jodie Foster - A little boring my friend.

Kelly Preston - Yes, I know she's wearing animal print but at least it woke me out of my coma and she looked good.

Cameron Diaz - It's a weird dress but the girl can wear white. And I loved her earrings.

Portia Di Rossi - She's too too thin but I did like the dress. She wears the same cut all the time so she knows what looks good on her.

Naomi Watts is bordering on bad because of the sleeve things but I'll give it up. She looks okay for being pregnant.

Madonna = I actually think Madonna pulled it together quite nicely here. Her hair and make-up looks good and i don't even hate all the bondage straps at the top of the dress. Well played.

THE GOOD?

Abigail Breslin wore the princess dress that I would have wanted to wear when I was 10. Awesome.

I hate to say it but I think Katie looks good. Her husband got a regular haircut so he doesn't look so crazy, and I like that color on her. Don't get me wrong, they are still freaks, but they look good.

Now, this is a controversial choice, but I liked Nicole's dress. I do realize it has a large bow on the shoulder. I can see that. But the girl is 10 feet tall and a stick and can wear anything. I think the color looks good on her and her hair and make-up look great.

The cute as a button award goes to Reese Witherspoon. This girl is just cute. I didn't always love her but she's growing on me. This purple color looks nice and she just looks fresh and not overdone. I didn't like the ruffles when the camera panned down, but I forgive them.

Honestly, the one who looked like a million bucks last night was Helen Mirren. I mean, really. This is how it's done people. Look at this closeup! Anyone would be lucky to look this hot at any age, let alone 60.

Now, I'm going to get a lot of grief for this, but I'll just say it. Oprah was wearing my favorite dress of the evening. Okay, granted, I'm an Oprah fan. But hear me out. This dress is kind of cool. It works on the curvy girl and it's something I would actually wear if I was brave enough to wear anything besides solid colors. It looks comfortable and fun and I'm into it. So there!