oscar roundup 2006

now that is a man who knows how to have a good time. you can tell he's about to laugh at how ridiculous this all is...or at least save up some of the red carpet memories to joke about with his friends at poker night next week. love him.

so.... oscars 2006! i will go on record as saying that it was probably the worst oscars i've watched in a very long time. the show was bad, the movies were bad, the winners were boring. there, i said it. the fashions were terribly boring too but thank goodness for the parties that completely take over the entire city that night. you can thank me right now for wading through hundreds of websites to bring you the best and the brightest. before fashion though, a few comments on the show...

1. holy shit...two minutes into the show and catherine keener has her head buried in her cell phone. i'm bored too.

2. enough with the montages. if i counted correctly they had four COMPLETELY superfluous montages for no reason. an homage to film noir, epics, biopics, and movies dealing with "issues". "issues" like global warming in 'the day after tomorrow'. jesus christ. if you cut out all of those you wouldn't have to embarassingly play oscar winners off the stage before they even get to speak.

3. jennifer garner almost fell...whoa. good recovery. and i guess she's still breast feeding.

4. i maybe laughed more at ben stiller in his 2 minute visual fx bit than i had at his last five movies.

5. i sort of expected the audience to give jennifer aniston a standing ovation...it's so hard and practically superhuman to survive a break up you know. especially when it's brad pitt.

6. i enjoyed lily tomlin and meryl streep's bit the best. their introduction of robert altman's lifetime achievement award was charming. i love these two.

7. diana ossana who won best screenplay for 'brokeback mountain' was the most boring speech i've ever heard in my life. she must have taken 10 valiums before she showed up.

8. reese, i am now starting to think your "golly gee" cuteness is an act so stop it.

9. michelle williams, you rule for taking best friend busy phillips to the oscars and making sure she sat in the front row in front of all the other nominees. i would love to be invited to the oscars just so i could take a pq posse member. sure, i'd have to choose one and i'd probably choose helen, but it would still be fun.

10. CRASH. my rant and anger requires it's own post. so it will come after this general oscar blog entry. stay tuned.

and now for the fashion. i apologize for all of the clicking you'll have to do....

the worst dressed of the night award goes to michelle williams. it pains me to do this because she had been looking so good but i HAVE to give this award to her based on the fact that in my 20 years of watching red carpets, this is the ugliest color i have ever seen on a dress. hands down. horrible. add to that the weird design of the dress and the clown red lips, and it's just bad. i think i have to applaud her willingness to take a risk, but it was just bad.

my choice for best dressed of the night was uma thurman. i know it's not too exciting but when she walked on stage she looked beautiful and put together and the dress was flattering.

and on to the rest...

best use of brown went to amy adams. the dress wasn't perfect but the brown really looked nice on her with her red hair. and pockets were very 'in' this year. who knew?

best use of leftover fabric shreds went to naomi watts. this dress is not only hideous in its design but it also was extremely unflattering. poor color choice too and it washes her out.

best use of drapes as a skirt went to ziyi zhang. yeah, she doesn't speak english very well but someone could have told her.

the coolest woman over 50 award went to meryl streep. sure, she's crazy and the dress is a little crazy at the bottom, but her skin is flawless and she's rocking it.

best use of boobs went to, who else, dolly parton. for some reason i find her so awesome. her interviews on the red carpet were honest and cute and she just couldn't believe she was there with all of that expensive jewelry. rad.

best 1990s reunion had to be sandra bullock and keanu reeves. a runner up couple would have been when nicole kidman presented an oscar to her 'peacemaker" co-star george clooney but they weren't there as dates. and for some reason i really dug sandra's dress.

the scariest neckline award sadly has to go to felicity huffman. i don't like doing it because i like her and i've seen her look great at other shows, but her bony rib cage in this dress did nothing for me. neither did the mesh sides or the matronly hair. sorry.

the cool hippie chick award goes to catherine keener. there was no competition.

best imitation of a stick award went to nicole kidman. i know she looked good but she is just so damn straight that it's scary.

shiniest dress award went to reese witherspoon. i think i like this dress but i was still disappointed. in past years she has looked AMAZING and this was just okay. i find the bottom a little disturbing because it makes her look like she has a huge ass and hips and i know that's not true.

jessica alba gets the who invited her award because, honestly, who invited her?

the coolest dude without a tie award goes to morgan freeman.

the biggest appearance by a bow goes to charlize theron. man, there's a lot to look at in that photo. her hair and makeup reminded me was sort of old glamor (?) and the dress was just an insane mess.
but even with all of that, she's still one damn pretty barbie doll.

best anorexic with poor posture award goes to the lovely keira knightly. okay, the color of the dress i like and the dress is okay. though i don't like one shoulder numbers. but her necklace was a bit heavy for me and she always has the worst posture and facial expressions. but all in all, okay.

best 'dynasty' imitation definitely goes to helena bonham carter. from the '80s white pumps to the lame dress to the huge puffy hair....tim burton has clearly brainwashed her.

the best mystic tan award goes to jennifer lopez this year though it was a tight race. she was heavily bronzed, her dress was a vomit green, and i've never been a fan of the "let's put a big ass skirt cape around your ass and hips so no one notices how huge they are" thing.

and from the after parties, please check out these amazing "celebrities":

paris hilton wearing a slaughtered peacock. lindsay lohan looking good?!!? a very daring kate bosworth. an amazingly drunk quentin tarantino. 'project runway's' beautiful heidi klum. the train wreck that is rachel griffiths. clearly insane sharon stone. and my favorite and yours, the always classy pamela anderson and friend.