oscar fashion 2009

So I was expecting a lot of blandness on the red carpet this year. I thought people would play it safe and we'd see a lot of beige, taupe, and grey. What I got was so many unflattering dresses and missteps that I really enjoyed it. Too much white in general, but man, all the choices in the world and this is what you choose? Let's kick this off...

LOVE THE GAL, HATE THE DRESS

Oh Freida. This was your chance. You are young, hot, the newcomer, everyone is interested in you, and you've been wearing such cute things. So this lace, one-sleeved number was terrible. Like, really terrible. Beyond the lace and the one-sleeve which you obviously know my feelings on...it just looked OLD. Like something a 60 year-old would wear. Paired with old lady hair and jewelry and I hated it.

Reese Witherspoon is a cute girl. A year or two ago she became this fashion icon on the red carpet but now Jake Gyllenhaal has infected her with lameness and she chose this heinous dress. Unflattering, ugly, messy, dumb.

Heidi Klum is 10 feet tall, skinny, gorgeous, and, surprisingly, seemingly nice and funny. Everyone says she could wear a burlap sack and look hot. So clearly she put that theory to the test. I believe a bolt of fabric was wrapped around her...still not sure about the color. On TV it looked hot pink but everyone said it was red. Either way. Her hair is yucky and looks dirty, her makeup is bad, and her jewelry is ugly. Theory proven wrong.

I don't have anything against the extreme nature of Sarah Jessica Parker's dress. She's SJP and she has to wear something over the top. But this? I don't know. I do know her boobs were so pushed up that they were hitting her chin. And I really found her dark hair distracting. A miss for me.

I didn't know if I should include Anne Hathaway in the girls I love category but I folded. She's had a hard year so it's okay that she keeps blabbing on about herself. Besides, she says she likes to drink and I can see myself having fun throwing back a few cocktails with her. But I did not like this dress. I wanted her to wear color and she didn't. And the whole cut of the dress I thought was unflattering. It laid across her chest oddly and I wasn't into it. Decent hair and makeup though.

Amanda Seyfried is adorable on "Big Love". She was also on "Veronica Mars". And apparently she starred in one of the highest grossing movies ever this year, "Mamma Mia". She's young, adorable, on the rise, and yet she chooses the worst dress I've seen in years. As Stacey said, "very Sophisticated Lady". It was orange (I think), had a folded over neckline the likes of which I have not seen since 8th grade, a BOW, and the shittiest length imaginable on a dress. Boo.

Speaking of "Big Love", I love Ginnifer Goodwin on that show. But not in this. Ever.

Rachel Griffiths is awesome on "Brothers and Sisters" and "Six Feet Under". All I can saw is this must have been comfortable.

Naomi Watts just had a baby. Cool. Your body looks awesome. You are rad. But your dress is crap (the boob area is scaring me) and your hair looks bad.

My god Rachel Weisz. Pull it together. This is the Oscars dammit.

Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce. I learned this was from the collection you and your mother design. You mom is a nut job and this is clearly from her couch. Ugly as sin.

and my last minute addition to this category is Amy Adams. I originally didn't think I hated the look, but, in pictures, it's bad. The chiffon attached to the front is weird and the black lines are distracting. And the necklace doesn't go. So I guess the decision was made for me.

WORST HAIR

Runner up was nominee Melissa Leo. You can't tell that much in this pic but it's blown out in sort of an 80s mom way. Not good. (And yes, the dress is hideous but I'm too tired to discuss).

But worst hair had to be Lisa Rinna. I guess if you wanted it to distract from your face, you succeeded.

YOU'RE CRAZY/RAD/A LEGEND SO IT'S OKAY

A new category but some of the winners....

Sophia Loren obviously has to be mentioned. But if you're pushing 80 you can do whatever you want, right?

Meryl Streep is the best actress of all time. She can wear whatever she damn well pleases. (I wouldn't have minded if you went a little easy on the "up" curls you did though).

Tilda Swinton. Who in the hell is this alien woman?!! Hysterical.

Marion Cotillard is young, French, and a rock star for all I know. So I guess this is okay.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is so good in everything he does. So this black ski hat must be forgiven. Or not. Okay, NOT.

Mickey Rourke should and can wear whatever. But what got me here was this little picture of his dog around his neck. Oh my gosh that's amazing and touching. When he started talking about it on the red carpet to Seacrest I almost cried.

I DON'T KNOW...I GUESS IT'S OKAY?

Everyone loves Jen Aniston and feels for her. She had to present an award about 10 feet from the woman who stole her husband. So I guess she looked good. The dress isn't terrible. Her braided hair is cute. Right?

Penelope Cruz is so cute. She seemed so happy to win. And this dress is vintage and probably so pretty in person. On her it's not that flattering and looks sort of like a wedding dress though.

People were over the moon about this Natalie Portman number. I guess it's cute but it didn't knock me out.

Nicole Kidman. Predictable. Boring. Feathery.

Angelina shocks me by wearing a black, plain dress. Amazing. It's no wonder why we all think she's a goddess. (Okay, the emeralds were insane though).

Evan Rachel Wood looks pretty good. The color looks okay with her skin tone and the dress is vaguely pretty. The hair is a bit crazy for me though.

LOOKIN' GOOD LADIES

Newcomers Tariji P. Henson and Viola Davis both brought it. I especially love Tariji's outfit. Which is weird because I find her annoying.

Oddly enough, I liked Diane Lane's dress. The frayed top, the layers, the rocker necklace. Kind of cool.

CONTROVERSIAL LIKES!!

I don't think anyone else liked these but...

The more I look at it the more I love Marisa Tomei. It was high fashion but it was kind of rad. Even with the one shoulder. And she is just so naturally beautiful, especially in close-up without crazy jewelry or too much mystic tan.

It's insanely beaded, including hanging strands of beads, it's one shoulder, it's white...all things I hate... but I think Carrie Underwood looks pretty.

And to get even more insane, I sort of liked Miley Cyrus' dress. Clearly I just need some sort of different outfit out of boredom. But I swear, this dress (with all its sparkles) looked insanely awesome in Hi-Def. I really can't believe I'm saying this either since I find her so annoying.

I THOUGHT SHE'D LOOK SHITEOUS AND SHE ONLY LOOKED BAD

And that award goes to Madonna. Don't get me wrong, the dress is bad. The hair looks like mine when I don't blow dry it (sort of awesome) but her face doesn't look as psycho as normal. An improvement?

AND THE AWARD FOR WORST DRESSED....

First, our runner-up, Ms. Jessica Biel. Terrible hair, terrible makeup, obviously terrible dress, terrible length, terrible shoes. The funny thing is that she then changed for the after-party. Her new look was almost just as bad.

But the worst dressed of the evening was my favorite actress on the planet, Kate Winslet. It started with ugly helmet hair that looked crunchy, went on to a one-shoulder strap, continued with a chest area that showed the corset and boning she was wearing, tacked on a lace tablecloth to just one side of the skirt to make her look extra hippy, and finished with a boring grey color. So wholly disappointing. Kate said today on the Oprah show that she called her 8 year-old daughter just as she got off stage and the first thing her daughter yelled at her was "You're wearing grey!! You shouldn't have done that!" Agreed.