Knock, knock

Who's there?
No one.
Seriously, no one.

I have not checked this blog since I wrote my last post on September 11th. And I'm sure no one else has. And I'm 99% sure no one will see this post as I've completely abandoned this blog. But I don't want to abandon it and I'm not working so I'm going to try my hardest to post often. But where to start? In the past 7 weeks I've come back from Colorado and gone to Italy, the Czech Republic, Croatia, Texas, Monterey, San Diego (x4), and the Cuyamaca mountains. I've sipped prosecco in the shadow of the Pantheon in Roma...I've lost my favorite black sweater that I've had for 8 years on some street in Firenze around 3am...I've picked apples in the Czech countryside...I've stayed up until 6am every night drinking the local Croatian specialty of red wine and coke...I've watched Claire Danes two-step in the most famous country bar in Austin...and I've watched the sun set over the Pacific from Highway 1.

I won't bore you with pictures of the Colosseum and Roman ruins. But I do have some stories. Man, do I have stories. And just general observations about how amazing Italy is. So maybe I'll share some of those.... tomorrow.

neglect

This blog has been neglected, big time. I even skipped the post Oscars round-up which was sad but I had to do it. No time to comb through thousands of party photos though I usually love to do so. Maybe I would have posted if I had had anything to say besides, "oh, doesn't keri russell look pretty?" and "i think anne hathaway beat katherine heigl in the battle of the one shoulder red dresses" and "damn james mcavoy is hot for a midget" and "cameron diaz is a hot mess who i want to hang out with." But, sadly, this job got in the way of blogging.

January until now has been a blur of getting up early, getting dressed, going to work, getting put through the wringer, driving home, maybe watching 30 mins of television, and falling asleep. But my job is mostly fun and challenging so I'm not complaining. I'm merely making excuses.

As you may or may not know, I leave for Prague soon and I'll be there for about 10 weeks. I'm hoping to use this site to update friends with photos and hysterical stories about Czech life. This may or may not happen. But at least I plan on trying to do so. And isn't planning half the battle? Or something?

p.s. Don't go see "The Other Boleyn Girl". Unless you want further proof that ScarJo has an ugly face and nothing more to offer than a large pair of breasts.

how you got here

And now, time for one of my favorite things to do... Share with you internet searches that brought people to this blog. As usual, they are disturbing and way too sexual. For some reason I doubt speakmemory gets this kind of traffic.

(some letters have been omitted so my site doesn't come up even higher when people search for this crap)

Passed out drunk girl gets t@ken adv@ntage of (all the time on this site)

Colleen @pplegate autopsy (I blame SF colleen for this one)

Free homemade s#x while girl sleeping (Oh yeah, there was that post back in 2003...)

J@nel Maloney bra (or lack thereof)

Uma Thurman present bre@st size (I'd say Double D)

Mexican p@rty bus and Long Isl@nd (Long Island Ice Tea's ON a party bus WITH Mexicans I could understand...)

Debr@ Messing Cape Cod (Debra should be happy someone is searching for her)

Rachel Griffiths' br@ size (Again, maybe Double D)

Tan for burn vict!ms (hmm...I don't know the answer to this one)

L.A. Girl p0rn (this pops up about ten times every day)

Girl F*ck!ng a P@rking Cone (you people are sick)

V!ctoria Beckham Purple Bow Dress 2007 (yeah, I don't blame this person...it was a doozy)

and my all time favorite....

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead Dishes Are Done Dude

suckage

man, this website sucks. big time. i mean, it sucked before but lately it has really sucked. i got busy and didn't have time to post. then i had a little bit of time but couldn't think of a worthy topic. then i had time and had topics, but i was too lazy to post. then i thought, well, it's been this long, why bother at all? deep down i suppose i was trying to wittle away all my readership. now i have a bright shining audience of one (hi taryn!) and i'll do my best to post more. upcoming topics i'm considering? my review of 'bobby', new tv shows i like, gossip about taryn's baby shower, and the wonders of sour patch kids. if that doesn't make you want to tune in, i don't know what would.

l.a. by day

i'm unemployed. and my lack of blogging is deplorable. i'd apologize but i'm not sure anyone is still reading this crap so there's no one to apologize to. but i can't believe how hard it is to blog when you're not actually sitting at work in front of a computer all day and supposed to be doing other things. it's just hard to get motivated to sit down in this horrible broken "desk" chair in our 2nd bedroom/"office"/music room/crap room. doesn't exactly inspire.

day 10 of unemployment brings new awareness though. i've learned that pretty much all of l.a. must be unemployed because there's still traffic during the day, restaurants are still crowded, and shops are still bustling. i guess the out of work actors, writers, musicians, and producers have a lot of free time like me. i've also learned that pigeons are the anti-christ. maybe not all of them but the three that like to perch in the eaves of our front patio and shit all over the nice slate-tiled ground. i HATE them. i shoo them away and they come back one minute later. last week i resorted to extreme measures. i made the trek to the store and bought an owl. yes, an owl. a blowup plastic owl. and hung it on the patio. it looks so trashy and awful but it's keeping away the birds. and their shit. so i will keep the owl up. with great pains to my aesthetic side. oh well.

what else? had an awesome awesome bridal shower courtesy of ten percent, my sister, and my friend katie. opened more real wrapped presents than i had since i was fourteen and drank the most champagne ever. subsequently experienced the worst headache ever. i went to see a taping of 'american idol' (don't be jealous), and have been going on hikes and chilling in starbucks. then there was that day i read a book in barnes and noble. i felt like i was stealing but no one bothered me.

that's basically it. unemployment is no big party every day. i keep having to stop myself from spending money i don't have. up next? more wedding stuff in san diego. pray that i survive all of this time with my family.

april already

i haven't posted in a while and i was going to say that it's because i've been busy but nothing could be farther from the truth. i've been so NOT busy that i've been bored out of my mind. so obviously i couldn't post. have you noticed that when you have nothing to do, even the smallest task becomes so hard to remember to do? to motivate to do? it's so much easier to get stuff done when you've got a hundred things you're juggling and not enough time to do them all. somehow i like working better that way. i get way more done.

but here i am, finally blogging. i don't really have much to say. i guess i can tell you that i (along with about 1000 other employees) am getting laid off on monday. don't be sad. i am thrilled. and i'm getting six months of severance so i'm pretty happy. i'll probably be unemployed until july so let's do dinner! or hell, let's do lunch!!

an apology

school was usually pretty easy for me. for some reason, my friends and i seemed to be able to get through school with ease and have time for lunches at yenchim and nights at java joe's or mikey's. (okay, we might have been nerds but so what?) we would memorize vocab during break for our english quizzes, do our trig homework in class while the teacher was getting settled, and pass notes in AP US History.

but as i sat at work this morning trying to think of what to blog about, i remembered the one thing i hated in school. like absolutely dreaded. creative writing. my achilles heel! how i loathed it. mr. pacilio would torture me as he assigned us an original short story assignment. and mr. mosher must have been able to feel the death rays shoot out of my eyes when he told us we had to write our own poems. man, i hated creative writing. the only thing i might have hated more was public speaking. oh, who am i kidding? i definitely hated public speaking more. but that's another blog entry.

my creative writing was atrocious and i cringe thinking about how my favorite teachers had to read such drivel and thank god that in our peer reading groups, our names were taken off our assignments. i never could understand why i was such an awful creative writer. well, i obviously know that it's because i'm not very creative and not very imaginative, but why are some people? sadly, the creative people and the ones who wrote great short stories didn't get A's in school and didn't get high school honors and didn't go to Stanford. too bad for them i guess. or i guess i should say too bad for YOU because you're stuck reading my crappy unoriginal, uninteresting, blog entries. sorry.

more amusement

i'm pretty brain dead from an all-consuming weekend of sports and bad diner food, so i can't really muster up the creativity or intelligence for an interesting entry. BUT i will post some more of the search words that are leading people to this site. i am constantly amazed by how many people look for porn on the internet. i guess i'm just naive and think that only lonely, nasty, 60 year olds do it. i didn't realize that everyone and their brother does it. including, i'm sure, all of my lovely male friends. so here they are, in helpful categories:

i'm very hollywood
1. brandy at l.a. clippers game
2. pictures of dresses from dirty dancing havana nights
3. abc family movies are good
4. buy lucky 7 on dvd
5. christian bale without a shirt

i'm apparently having a ghetto fabulous wedding
1. ghetto fabulous bridesmaids
2. ghetto fab
3. ghetto wedding
4. ghetto fab reception songs

i find some interesting things to talk about
1. pimp and ho las vegas photos
2. gay mannerisms
3. decorating an office cube
4. paper denim jeans
5. brian soika
6. mexican pa

and of course.....Porn
1. best girl anus
2. buffy's real name from tony's casting couch
3. but i'm glad you enjoy it
4. midget chicks
5. l.a. loving
6. girls in flip flops drunk
7. oral fixation
8. tony's casting couch (x50...i get a lot of this one...must be a great site)

arrest this man
1. pictures of 9 year old girl and 9 year old boy making out

recent referrals

people are getting to my site after searching for...

transvestite bridal gown
MTV famous capricorns
ghetto fabulous wedding
brian soika (which must have been typed in by brian soika)
i wanna marry ryan banks songs
LA mexican girls (porn)
taryn wisconsin (from adoring undergrads no doubt)
black ghetto photos (porn)
bridal transvestite
cold mountain sucks (porn?)
girls with headsets (porn)
outline paula abdul
tony's casting couch (porn)

other people's blogs

dear victor,

i just wanted to thank you for linking my site to yours. the only thing is, who are you? apparently you're a 20-something guy named victor who lives in england. i don't think i know you so i have no idea what lead you to my page. but i'm glad you enjoy it.

yours,
la girl

links

for people who are bored at work like me....

there are lots of good blogs out there. tremendous. fabulous. you should read them. one that's totally addictive (perhaps only for females) is this woman who has been blogging about her pregnancy and who just last week had a baby. if you ever wanted the real scoop on having a baby (t-dawg?), check it out: dooce

Also worth checking every day is belle de jour - the diary of a london call girl. oh my goodness...sometimes i really feel like i shouldn't be reading that blog at work. i probably shouldn't. i could get fired for reading pornography during work hours.

other interesting ones: photos, more photos, and queserasera.

she likes it neat...and he makes a mess!

take a vote...

as i'm driving home yesterday, i turn on the radio and begin to sing very loudly to "opposites attract" by paula abdul. it was at this moment that the following question came to me:

what is the most lame? the fact that i,

a) know all the words to a paula abdul song.

b) thought to myself, wow, i'd love to do this as a karaoke duet with a guy.

or

c) made a mental note that i had to blog about this later.

other people's blogs

so this blog thing usually just generates a lot of fluff and amusing things to read when you're bored at work, but matt has brought a blog entry to my attention that i feel i must share with everyone. for those of you who already read matt's blog, i apologize. but for those of you who don't, check out the following excerpt from queserasera:

For the past few days, I’ve been formulating this theory. My theory is that for almost every single person on the planet, there’s this one sentence, and that almost every single person on the planet believes that if this one sentence was said to them by the right person at the right place or at the right time or with the right words, everything the person longed for would come true, and their life would right itself, or start an entirely new and glorious path, and they’d finally be happy.

Of course, I know this one magic sentence won’t really do all of that, but I still think almost every single person on the planet hopes to hear it, and that’s partly the thing that keeps them alive.

i love this. the fact that it's true is both extremely uplifting and saddening at the same time. or maybe it makes me smile because recently i was asked a very lovely question on a romantic beach at sunset. i suppose if you haven't heard such a sentence in a long time, this could be extremely depressing. but i choose to think of it as a very romantic notion with a lot of optimism.

alright, i'm gonna leave you all and go back to all my happiness and my apparent 'glowing', according to my landlord.

happy naked monday

holy shit. i just accidentally typed lagirl.com and IT’S A PORN SITE! tony's casting couch or some such thing. now people might get confused and think i'm running a porno site! or maybe they won't. or, should i say, the 3 or so friends that read my sight are intelligent and would never get that confused. unless taryn really DOES believe that LA has corrupted me that much.

i'm sorry, numero dos

traveling all the time and the lack of a dsl connection isn't helping my blog. but now i'm back online for a couple of days and ready to talk. hooray.

i'm sorry

I know, I know, I’ve been away for a long time. But I have my reasons. Two reasons in fact. But they’re good. So stay tuned.

do that many people need shrinks?

Well, this is my first web site and my first thought is, 'why in the hell do i need a web site?' and more accurately, 'why in the hell does any individual need a web site?' i'm thinking that blogspot may be a cheap version of a shrink for many people and a place for people to pour their hearts out to someone...anyone.
me?....i'm just bored.